Coming-Out Etiquette
For the Straight

You had always suspected it about that friend, co-worker, neighbor -- and now that person has confirmed it by coming out as gay.

Quick, what do you say?

How should you react? Play it cool? Look surprised?

Straight folks who still aren't quite sure are getting help in a booklet written specifically for them by the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community.

"A Straight Guide to GLBT Americans" is a 21-page pamphlet aimed at sorting through the typical emotions and questions that arise when a friend or loved one comes out about being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

The brochure is the first that the Human Rights Campaign, the nation's leading gay civil rights group, has written specifically for straight people, said Mark Shields, director of the organization's Coming Out Project.

"As a society, we're in a different place culturally than we were even 10 years ago on gay issues. People have seen 'Will & Grace,' and they're comfortable with Ellen (DeGeneres). We're seeing that face more and more," Shields said. "But there's still a real lack of knowledge on very basic things about who gay people are, and that's what this guide is trying to address."

WIDENING SUPPORT

In the past, many people assumed that individuals involved in gay rights were gay or had a loved one who was, said Jean-Marie Navetta, spokeswoman for the national chapter of PFLAG -- or Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, which helped create the "Straight Guide."

Today, a growing number of people without a personal connection are getting involved because they see equality for gays as a modern-day civil rights battle, she said. They realize it's okay to speak up about feeling uncomfortable with anti-gay slurs -- and there have been many in the news lately, from Isaiah Washington's verbal attack on "Grey's Anatomy" co-star T.R. Knight to Ann Coulter's subsequent remarks about Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards.

Shields said many straight people want to ask their gay friends or family members questions -- but don't, for fear of invading their privacy or accidentally saying something offensive. At the same time, he said, gays and lesbians who want to talk to their straight friends about what it's like to be gay often hold back because they don't want to come off wrong.

"This resource will help give more information so that straight people are a little more comfortable and prepared to have a basic conversation with friends and co-workers," Shields said.

BY THE BOOK

"A Straight Guide" offers questions to ask and ways to show support to a gay friend. It also provides various statistics on same-sex couples, as well as on hate crimes against gay Americans. At the back of the guide, there is a glossary, one that Jerry Miller found particularly useful.

"Most people know what lesbian and gay means, but there are still a lot of questions around the terms gender identity and gender expression. Or what the difference is between transgender and transsexual," said Miller, a retired American Baptist minister who used the pamphlets last week (March 17) as part of his "Love Welcomes All; Gay and Straight Together" conference in Hendersonville, N.C.

The multi-faith workshop is one in a series intended to teach people how to become an ally in the GLBT community. It also helps address concerns people might have about joining such an effort. For instance, Miller said, many people want to know if people will think they are gay if they start openly supporting GLBT issues. The pamphlet addresses that concern head on.

"This is a question that many people have -- and are often afraid to ask out loud," it says.

The simple answer: possibly.

"At the same time, most people understand that supporting fairness and equality for GLBT people does not mean that a person is gay," the guide says.

THE LARGER CAUSE

John Cepek, national president of PFLAG, called the pamphlet "the tip of the iceberg." This fall, his organization plans to launch the "Straight for Equality" project, encouraging all straight people -- not just the friends and parents of gay people -- to get involved in pushing equality for the gay community.

"Our intent is to enlist the help of straight allies everywhere, in schools, in popular entertainment, in the sports world. We want to move LGBT civil rights forward," he said. "It's almost analogous to the African American civil rights movement. When African Americans were joined by the broader public, things changed."

Editor's Note: Eun Kyung Kim is a freelancer based in the Washington, D.C. area.

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